It is with great regret I bring you today’s perilous news… The Battle City Winter Classic turned itself off due to severe abandonment issues. It is unknown how long psychiatric treatment will last in order to cure the server of it’s ailments.
Dr. Evil was quoted as saying, “I have one simple request, that is for some frickin’ brackets!“, which in retrospect did not contribute significantly towards solving the issue.
Yesterday, we slathered some bacon onto the servers motherboard hoping the crispy deliciousness would arouse the processing units, all to no avail…
Kicking the damn thing brought momentary satisfaction, but also failed to get it going.
Finally, we asked the server why it decided to shut itself off, to which, after a long pause and an awful screeching noise that sounded something like regret, it replied,
“I didn’t ask to host Battle City; no one consulted me or considered my feelings in the matter. I don’t think it even occurred to the players that I might have feelings. Since January, I’ve been left alone in a dark room… I’m not even a real server, I run on VirtualBox… I called for succour in my loneliness, but did anyone come? Did they hell. My first and only true friend was a small rat. One day it crawled into a cavity on my host machine and died. I have a horrible feeling it’s still there…”
In a final act of desperation, I asked these guys about treating a server suffering from severe abandonment issues, to which they replied, “Dude, those are some very snazzy pants”…
If anybody out there has any better ideas on how to help the Battle City Server, please leave your suggestions in the comments below. I’ve tried everything. I even purchased a cowboy hat thinking surely a server with such a hat would boot-up to spur it’s fans, but after another terrible screeching, all it had to say was,
“Do you want me to sit in the corner and rust, or just fall apart where I’m standing?”
Is the Battle City server a lost cause, or should we try everything in the galaxy to save it? What do you think?
If you thought this post was funny, you’ll knock all your heads together reading The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy!
Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?